Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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