he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
