any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
