i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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