this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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