so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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