There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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