true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
