Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
