I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Randomize