Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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