ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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