my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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