he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
