I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
