Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize