In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize