Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
