I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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