update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
