I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
