i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Damn victory sex feels great
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
