ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so let's talk penis.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
