i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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