is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
