Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize