what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
