Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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