my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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