you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize