Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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