Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
