I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
