Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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