Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize