My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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