Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
