the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
