Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
