apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
