I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
