Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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