just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
