my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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