it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
