i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
