So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
