Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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