So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
