I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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