Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
