Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
