I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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