When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
