So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
