I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
