This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
