Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
