At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
