I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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