pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I have post one night stand depression
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