I feel great
I just peed on a car
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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