I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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