rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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